MondoByte CompuCompanion End User License Agreement (EULA)

No one is permitted to copy or distribute this license, copies of this license, other referenced documentation, or any other documentation except as the manufacturer (MondoByte Corporation) sees fit.

0. Preamble

The purpose of this license is to prevent unauthorized use of, access to, or misuse of the CompuCompanion software (hereafter referred to as “the software”). The author of this license has been informed that it will be strictly -- even supernaturally -- enforced. He's been told that the software will report how it is used back to the manufacturer. It will also inform the manufacturer if the software is not used. Or even installed.

This license is also designed to enforce the manufacturer's rights in regards to the software. The customer is liable for misuse of the software. No one in this company bothers to read these things after they've been past the lawyers, so hopefully someone outside will see this. The author works for a soul-sucking, hellpit of a company, where the customer is not only not “always right,” but is treated as “usually wrong,” and “probably a criminal.”

Please print a copy of this license for your records.

1. Applicability

This license applies to any copy or copies of the software as purchased by the customer (hereafter referred to as “you”). At the manufacturer's discretion, this license may also apply to other software you thought you owned. The author realizes this is illegal, but doesn't know what he -- or anyone, for that matter -- could do about it. MondoByte Corporation has more money than God (hereafter referred to as “God”), and could very likely sue you into oblivion. What would happen to the author, if he were discovered, would be so much worse.

This license may be changed without written, oral, or other consent by MondoByte Corporation (hereafter referred to as “Satan”).

2. Copying

Copying the software is strictly forbidden. Attempting to copy the software and failing is strictly forbidden. Attempting to circumvent the copy protection mechanisms that ship with the software is strictly forbidden. You get one (1) copy of the software. The manufacturer doesn't care about fair use.

In fact, if the software fails, which it inevitably does, it is very unlikely you will succeed in reinstalling it. Our extremely unhelpful technical support (hereafter referred to as “semi-trained monkeys”) may try to help you reinstall it, but our software isn't designed to be reinstalled. You'd be better off buying a new copy. Or shooting your computer. The Guns-N-Ammo supply shop down the street is having a sale.

They don't like the truth. They don't like it when the truth gets out. There will be punishments if the author is caught. The author has a wife and two children. He is risking a lot to get the truth to you.

It is still technically legal for you to own one (1) backup copy of the software. Good luck making one (1).

3. Unauthorized reselling

Copying and reselling software without the express written consent of the manufacturer (hereafter referred to as “pirating”) is illegal, and punishable by a fine of not less than $5000 or two years imprisonment. But go ahead; it's highly unlikely you'll live more than a week after you're discovered. These people, they're barely human. I work at a company that repackages the sulfurous effluvia of Hell as software, then distributes it in a manner that resembles fascism.

I fear for my health and safety, I truly do. My wife, my children, they give me such haunted looks now, and yet I can't quit. I became a lawyer because I thought I could make a difference, but now look at me. I survive by roping the gullible and the innocent into Satan's scheme, and you all keep buying into it, God only knows why. And when you hit that “Accept” button, you're theirs.

4. Modifications & Backwards Engineering

Editing, changing, adjusting, or otherwise modifying the underlying code of the software, and attempts to backwards engineer the software are strictly forbidden, except where allowed by law. Allowed venues include certain universities, governmental agencies, and law enforcement agencies, all of which have signed such mind-bogglingly complex contracts before being allowed to see the code that the manufacturer would immediately bankrupt them if any of that code became public knowledge.

You don't want to see the code. The author of this license has had the misfortune to see the code. It is written in the devil's tongue, and every last function, method, and class is a personal affront to all that is good and pure. It's also quite clear that the manufacturer's developers were systematically beaten about the heads and shoulders whenever they were at their cursed keyboards. They wouldn't know a short from a signed integer. But that's better for the MondoByte. You will pay to upgrade when the new version comes out. It's the only way to get rid of the old bugs.

There will be new bugs introduced in the new version.

The author of this license would like you to know that he is being watched constantly now. They suspect something, I'm almost positive. I think my house is under surveillance. But the police won't do anything to protect me. How could they? They use MondoByte in all their computers. I don't know what I'm going to do. But the truth must get out.

All requests for access to the source code must be sent to MondoByte Corporation, 13 Paine Place, Suite 666, Olympia, WA 98501-1153, USA.

5. Compatibility

The manufacturer makes no warranty as to the suitability of this software for use in any computer system. The manufacturer makes no warranty as to whether or not the software will interfere in the normal operations of any computer system. The manufacturer makes no warranty that the software will not interfere with other, 3rd party applications and programs. In fact, if the software only does the purpose for which you, the end user, purchased it, you can consider yourself lucky.

However, the components of the software designed to spy on, interfere with, physically injure, spiritually harm, or otherwise wreak havoc on you, your computer, your family, your dog, your neighbors, and the people who you take the bus with, usually work perfectly. They are made by other developers. In Hell.

The author would like to take a moment to apologize to you, the end user, for the painful and humiliating process you are about to go through, as you have no doubt ignored this End User License Agreement (EULA), just like everyone else. If you are reading up to this point, for the love of God just turn your computer off. Don't interact with the software any further. Even if you hit the “Reject” button, who knows what this installer will do? The man who developed it has horns. Literally, he has horns. He walks through the halls, chatting and laughing with the other employees, and they don't seem to notice. Maybe they do notice, and they don't care. Maybe they're demons like him. But he has horns, and I don't want to think about how he will punish you for rejecting him.

This notice of compatibility does not apply in the state of Michigan.

6. Collection of Usage Statistics

This software collects usage statistics and automatically reports them back to the manufacturer. To opt out, go to File, select Preferences, select User Preferences, select User Settings, click on the Data Collection tab, click on the Reporting subtab, select the Reporting Options menu, and select Report Usage. In addition to providing a dialog box to opt out of usage reporting, this will report to the manufacturer that you attempted to opt out of usage reporting.

Opting out of usage reporting doesn't work.

Oh, who are we kidding? You could live in a mud hut in Zimbabwe, without ever having seen a computer in your life, and MondoByte will know what you're up to, down to the last grub you ate. You can't opt out. You're opted in from the day you're born to the day you die.

Copies of your usage statistics can be forwarded to you on request. That is a threat.

7. Warranty

This software is shipped “as-is,” with no express or implied warranty, except where prohibited by law. They're coming up to the office now, I can hear them, and they don't sound human at all. If anyone gets this far, please tell my wife and children I loved them. Robbie, my wonderful son, I'm sorry I never had a chance to play baseball with you or watch you grow up. Susan, my beautiful little girl; your first boyfriend, your first kiss, I'm so sorry I won't see these things. Don't marry a boy in the computer industry.

In no event, except as required by law, shall the manufacturer be liable for damage done to the end user or his/her computer by using this software. Just try. They'll win. They always win.

x x x

When an amateur tries his hand at technical writing, the results are usually laughable. They’re laughable here, but not for the usual reasons. And I doubt that.Mr. Kaswell is an amateur. Nice job, Damon. Several companies in Chicago could use your services, if you’re interested . . . oh, wait, you’re actually a good writer. Oh, well . . . -GM

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